Saturday, October 15, 2005

Why'd I Do These Things To Myself?

These events occur over a six hour period on the night of October 14.
All events occur in real time.

6:05 pm

i have a date tonight. she's running late. she offered to pay for this shindig so i'm waiting for her to call me and do the things you do when u're taking someone out.
i'm beginning to get antsy at the delay. dinner's at 7 pm, we were scheduled to meet at 6 pm.

6:10 pm

she sends me a text message asking what the proggie is! @#&*! she's the one footing the bill, what the fuck is she asking me what the proggie is? she should be telling me what time she's gonna come pick me up! 2 minutes later she calls to ask the same question and as nicely as possible, i told her to get her shit together and come get me coz i hate to be late!

6:10:30 pm

i remember that this morning i forgot the key to my desk drawers at home and guess what? the tickets that, lets call her suzie, is gonna pay for are locked in there. so i hang up on suzie and depart the office in a hurry todash home and get the keys.

6:15 pm

i'm at the taxi stage and a taxi finally pulls up. i hop in and we're of. the drive is uneventful inasmuch as it can be when u're trying to beat a self-imposed deadline. soon a si get to ntinda, i'm outta the taxi like a bullet and straight into the nearest ka-shop masquerading as a grocery to buy some airtime. i then call suzie and explain to her where i am, where i'm going and why she should hightail it to my office where we'll meet in 15 minutes so that we'll be able to make it to Garden City by(or just after 7pm). i also call the cab guy and ask him to meet me at the office in the same amount of time. by now i'm on a boda- boda speeding to my crib, time check 6:19 pm.

6:22 pm

we're rounding the bend into my driveway. dear me this must be some sort of speed record! the bike is one of those newish ones, the ones that Ugandans of asian origin like to ride and boy is it firm! after ascertaining that it will be cheaper and faster for this dude to take me back to the office instead of a cab, i dash helter skelter into the house, past my Nan, who's been thru this sort of thing too many times to be surprised anymore, retrieve the key from the pants i wore yeaterday and back out the door i go. the journey back to the office is even more thrilling, all that air rushing past my helmetless head is simply devine, and the thought that with one careless swervr it could all come crashing down under the wheels of an eighteen wheeler...just makes it worthwhile.

6:40 pm

i'm paying off the boda guy, like that - paying off, outside the office building. the cab's already here, she isnt. that's ok, she's probably upstairs chilling or something. so i walk pat the cabbie and head upstairs to ...bounce. nah, its all good, she might have been held up by traffic or sumthin. so i start on this blog and start to get really ticked off when out the corner of my eye i see that the clock on my PC sez 6:52 pm.

6:53 pm

heading downstairs, i dial her number and there's no response. into the lift, press "0" and start to count, slowly, very slowly. the lift doors ping open and i'm striding out in a calm and measured manner, dialling her number again. phone's ringing, i'm striding, cab's coming into view... she answers, very carefully, "Uh Ha", me - "where u at?", animatedly - "at the Spear motors junction!", "seriously, where' u?", little laugh - "ok, am just leaving school", wat d %&*$#@%^*&(* - "ok. listen. d'u wanna do this thing at all? coz we can cancel." "no, no, i promised and i'm gonna come thru!" den where d fuck r u? exhale boy, exhale “dude, we’re late!” “oh please, we’re African, we can be late” …
don’t say it, my mind just fucking went blank at this point … “dude.” “I’m coming” "I’m waiting."

6:57 pm

for the first of many times this evening i ask myself, "why do i do these things to myself?"

7:02 pm

this is it. i'm gonna go send the cabbie home, i'm walking to his car when I look up and she’ s coming round the front of the car. I’m feeling so fucking calm I could pee ice pellets. She sez hi with her hands in her back pocket – dat means she’s feeling absolutely shitfaced – and I’m like “hey”. Rite now I’m going into my superpissed uberformal mode, y’all shd see me wen I’m like that. I open the door for her, get her settled, go round and climb in and we’re off.

7:10 pm

She cant stand the silent treatment so she pipes up asking me not to be so nice, wanting me to get mad and yell and curse and shit like that. Dude please, u ain’t worth it. If this date goes like I have a sinking feeling it’s gonna go, tis gonna be the last.

7:18 pm

We roll up to the exhibition centre at the Garden City and for the umpteenth time she’ sasking me what the fuck the play’s about. I’m too bored to bother with being unpleasant so in the tone u use for little children and the dimwitted I tell her, again. When we walk in, the first scene’s already on so we gotta sit at the back. Less than half an hour into the play and she’s bitching. She doesn’t get the play, mbu it aint interesting like those of Bakayimbira. Ivan if u ever use this on me I will lose my foot up yr ass. I’m polite, I point out that this is very nice too, u just gotta SHUT UP and listen to the dialogue. Kinda like weetabix and cornflakes – different but still cereal. Sometime into this exchange, the bumless zungu chick who’s motherhening the place brings us some cchicken wings and veggie rolls, suzie has a go at the wings; i like that about her, she likes her food. I like a woman with some meat on her.

7:55 pm

The guys on stage are winding up their shit in preparation for dinner, so far so good. However, being something of a theatre buff myself I’m watchinh thios play not with the vapid where’ sthe overdone comedy of my companion but with the keen eye and ear of a true aficionado and there are a coupla things I wanna point out to the diretor ASAP – which I did at the end by the way, he promised to look into them – did I mention that Suzie was taking calls on her mobile all through this treriod? I didn’t? well she was! People! How often must it be said, when y’all go to a theatre or cinema hall, especially if it aint a kibanda, SWITCH OFF D BLOODY FONEZ! ALREADY!

8:10 pm
Dinner starts, while Suzie is outside the hall on her mobile I take stock and decide that hitting this shit aint worth it if we just cannot connect on all the other levels. At this point I’m like on a date with myself and I just happen to be sitting next to this chick. Dinner is mostly uneventful if we ignore the fact that we have to pay for our drinks and the rice, even though it must be basmati – afterall it is a n Indian restaurant – hardly tastes like it. I finish my food and settle in for the rest of the play while gundi here is still playing about with her food. Lesson 2; only serve yourself what you can finish in one seating so you won’t be asked to stop the clinking of your cutlery while the rest of us are trying to listen to the dudes on stage. Pretty damn good play it turned out to be too.
9:30 pm
Time’s a flying by. Suzie finally found the zip to her trap and shut it. Would it be asking for too much to hope that she threw away the key? It would! Shoot. I was getting really excited!

10:05 pm

The curtain falls on what was a really fine performance. Kudos to the cast and crew. Out of the blue Suzie picks a fight with me over some shit I told her that she was not listening to, so suddenly its’ my problem that she does not listen? Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I say to her, “I’m not into you anymore”, her smart reply is that she was never into me in the first place. Yeah right, if she says so! The ride to her crib is uber quiet; I cannot wait to just get this evening over with already.

10:55 pm

I’m home at last. I pour myself a glass of Cinzano and just try to put the entire evening behind me, except for the parts that involved the play. I am not repeating today in a very long while. I’m going to bed now.

11:33 pm

Just received this message, reproduced here verbatim, “Sori 4 being late en sori 4 talking all through the thing. Thanx otherwise, I kinda had fun…”

I’m going right back to sleep.


Blogger baz said...

Dude! I so know that chick. Actually, I know about four of her...

Thu Oct 20, 06:26:00 pm  
Blogger Lovely Amphibian said...

now this is it. you should be in...wherever crazy guys with crazy stuff in their heads go. man, u r smoking. where has the system been hiding you?

Thu Oct 20, 07:15:00 pm  

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