Wednesday, May 24, 2006


By the time most of you read this I’ll be pulling on my oldest most stone washed jeans in preparation to board a bus to Nairobi for the weekend. I am so going by the way. Even though the evil Klingons I answer to begged and cajoled and threatened, I merely dismissed them with an airy wave of my dainty manicured hand and flounced out of here in my Jimmy Choo's. Yes, it’s true, about the manicure. I went and had one done a fortnight ago so I’d know what all the fuss was about and these are my very astute conclusions: presenting the twelve observations on male manicuring;

1. All manicurists are male and they wear fake Nikes

2. All manicurists speak Luganda and little else even though they dress like extras in a low budget hip-hop video i.e. YingYang twins. actually, that’s crunk - whatever, tekimatteringa - been getting to know my baby sister better hence the lingo...

3. All manicurists have a large roll of cotton wool which they use to wipe your nails with... stuff that goes on before the polish

4. What did the massage with olive oil have to do with getting a manicure?

5. There has to be something wrong with a guy massaging my hands with virgin olive oil in the presence of my kissing buddy

6. while she sits there nodding approvingly.... and I (secretly) enjoy it

7. My nails were scrubbed/buffed/sandpapered (search me) now they feel smooth to the touch

8. Colourless nail polish is not nail hardener which is what I thought I was getting

9. Colourless nail polish does in fact ...shine! Hence I was walking around with shiny nails for a week

10. The proper way to let your just manicured nails dry is to hold them out at arms length, fingers splayed out so you can let the air circulate properly as you gently blow on them

11. Weird is asking my kissing buddy to fish my wallet out of my back pocket because I do not want to smudge my polish as it dries, so i can pay the dude Ushs. 2000. Damn, women's grooming is cheap!

12. Chipped nail polish is bad, even more so on a guy. i mean, howd you start explaining mbu you're hiding your nails cause your polish is chipping?

When I got irked at the sight of my chipped polish i just chewed the rest of it all off. Now I can go to Nai and proudly lounge in the Village market without looking like I’m cruising for a boyfriend from those Asian dudes you find there. I have gay friends; I know how they hook up with …other gay people.

I am so chuffed! Carnivore, Village Market, Snake park, Nairobi Pentecostal Church and its bookshop, Java World, South B estate, Yaya Centre, Loice's flat, kitchen and cooking, Benoni's flat and ... well a place to crash, Karaoke at the Intercontinental, standing in line for matatus at the Hilton, getting lost on River Road - ok, happened just the one time, I AM GOING TO PIG OUT. And the whole Kenyan accent, "ati what" n all that... I deserve this.

Hey Amphibian, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you didn’t tell me about that thing last Saturday on the island so like we're square now, sindio?

On Tha Speaherboxx: Green Day; The entire Album


Blogger savage said...

This is SLAMMING!! You go BOY!! Give us more of these posts.And when you return.Break it down for us real good.How it all went down and then some.

Wed May 24, 09:48:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kissing Buddy? Commitment is like so last season, eh?

Thu May 25, 03:17:00 pm  
Blogger ish said...

now u get to find out first hand what the booty's like over de, huh?

p.s... i'm undecided on what i think of the clear nailpolish... i mean, i know guys who get manis, but they NEVER get 'em polished.. ANY color! they just stop at the sandpapering and what not... so this is like, a first for me...

Fri May 26, 03:26:00 am  
Blogger savage said...

@inktus- Take a good look at most Rockstars nails.Dave Navarro and Tommy Lee are flag bearers.
Then all them Goths and punks.

Actually, I was considering polishing mine, but since people already claim I send off a gay Vibe, I decided against it.
If you are a straight man and you have been hit on by 4 men,polishing your finger nails is asking for it.

Fri May 26, 07:38:00 am  
Anonymous Kenyanchick said...

Coming to Kenya? KARIBU!
I have a thing for Ugandan accents, but it never crossed my mind that people might like ours... ati what indeed! Enjoy.

Fri May 26, 05:08:00 pm  
Blogger baz said...

Sorry Kenyanchick. Degstar has an Irish accent.

Fri May 26, 07:59:00 pm  
Anonymous Kenyanchick said...

Well, top of the morning to you then.
Good grief. Try not to talk too much in Nairobi. It could be hazardous to your health.

Mon May 29, 01:58:00 pm  

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