Thursday, June 22, 2006

This is for all my Female people

My friend Grace, who lives in “crime infested” South Africa, sent me this Email with the express request for me to share it with all my women people. I don’t do forwards and I’m feeling pretty lethargic about blogging anyways – story for another post – so I’m reproducing an edited version of her email here, albeit with my thoughts, comments and silliness thrown in for good measure. In colour too.


Because of recent abductions in daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation. This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do:
The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

The groin is the weakest point on the guy attacking you, who is usually male. Do not hesitate to go for gold in the free kicks section. And for goodness sake, scream bloody murder!!! Asking if his mum knows what he does for a living will not have any effect on him whatsoever. If anything it will only earn you a few slaps upside the head.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you … chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

A real Ugandan mugger would never so be so kind as to stop and request the pleasure of your purse, Negro will grab that bag and split like Carl Lewis! You best be able to scream “Omubbi wuuyo!! Banange munyambe!!!” like your life depends on it. Forget wakina those things of “stop, thief!”

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

I would actually like to try this out. But I would like to pose a question. If you saw a hand sticking out of a missing tail light and waving frantically, would you call the police on your mobile? In Uganda it’s illegal to talk on your mobile while driving, even in start-stop traffic – trust me, I found out the hard way! So, would you risk imprisonment to alert the police or would you pull over and make the call – risking the assailant’s car getting away. Obviously they would be using stolen plates which they’d probably dump round the next corner! So you wouldn’t be able to rely on a description of the car & its plates, sindio?

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their check book, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

So true this! Ever seen a Ugandan chick getting into a taxi? Flag down taxi, stroll leisurely to taxi, open front passenger door with left hand, place handbag on middle front seat, raise right hand to pull handle on door frame, use said hand to heave self up onto seat, position one’s rump securely in front passenger side seat, turn round and look for seat belt, find seat belt and strap oneself in, then turn round and reach out for front passenger side door with left hand, gently but steadily pull door in and close, but just to be sure, have conductor pull said door open and slam it shut, wriggle round in front seat some more, once satisfied that one is sorted, inform the driver he may now proceed with the rest of the journey. But I digress…

a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

Dude, the only cars in Uganda with airbags are those driven by the government, the donor community and people who can afford to buy new cars. Kati you you go crashing your reconditioned kikuumi/kabina/my car into something mbu your airbag will save you! Hooo!!!

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A) Be aware: look around you; look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat
B) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

Only in the movies and 24 season 2 & 3. Not in Uganda. Firstly, there are very few vans around with blacked out windows or none at all. Secondly, why bother with the drama when with the help of a waiter you can slip a pill in her drink and have her “willingly” walk off the premises with you? It happened to a guy at the Rock Bar, a chick got a waiter to drug his beer and then she and her buddies put him in his car and drove him to his home in the Bukoto brown flats where they left him, minus all his money of course. This is what you do, don’t drink from a bottle that;
1. Hasn’t been opened in front of you
2. Is frothing a bit too much
3. You left unattended so you could go paka chini or powder your nose or whatever


C) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

In my mind I’m thinking of the plethora of security guards we have available in Kampala, especially those comically dressed characters at Avemar shopping mall. Show up with one of those and the would-be assailant would probably double over in laughter! I know I would.

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

Again, not in Uganda! What if, at night, working late, you get into the lift and the lights go out? Load shedding! Then what, huh? Take the stairs, Sista!

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably! In a zig -zag pattern!

If I am serious about shooting you, I will get you. All I have to do is wait for you to pull up at your gate and hoot for the maid/askari/house boy/kids who’ll invariably take at least 5 minutes to show up. More than enough time to make lead filled mince meat out of you. “… and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ.” Ok, you live in a country that has organ donors, I do not. Go figure.

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

Just like that Walusimbi dude who’s currently on trial for the longest known running spate of serial rapes/robberies and murders in Kampala. And Richard Arinaitwe, currently on death row; btw he was my House captain in Smack when I was in S.3. We called him Mad Cow behind his back, never could to his face, Negro is built like Billy Blanks. To think that in his spare time he staged highway robberies on the Mbarara highway! (Allegedly). And there we were giving him grief about sweeping and mopping our dormitory!

And finally

9. Another Safety Point; someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her “Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

Man, I would fall for this. I just would.

Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby - This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America’s Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana. I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well. Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry.

That said, Kampala is still one of the safest cities to live in compared to say, Nairobi, Capetown, Bujumbura or Juba, e.g. I’m going to leave the office at 11:00pm, in 27 minutes, and merrily make my way home with nary a thought as to getting mugged/raped/kidnapped.

7 Comments:

Blogger Jay said...

Recorded baby voice. Schmmmmmmmmmm. What dwanzie would fall for that.

Oops. My bad.

Fri Jun 23, 10:05:00 am  
Blogger Degstar said...

Keep yapping Jay, i'm reloading...

Fri Jun 23, 10:55:00 am  
Blogger savage said...

@Degstar-Gwe guy you are so missing in action. What's up?

Fri Jun 23, 11:05:00 am  
Blogger Degstar said...

@Savage,
mbadde nnoonya ssente.
shit be tight up in here!
balaba bizimbe ne'bogela, tebamanyi ekituufu ekiliwo.

Fri Jun 23, 03:28:00 pm  
Blogger scotchbiscuits said...

ofcourse you wouldn't be raped...I mean???!!!

Fri Jun 23, 06:56:00 pm  
Blogger Degstar said...

@SB,
exactly what are you intimating?
that i'm not "wantable" enuff for a rapist, a female one of course?

Sat Jun 24, 01:01:00 pm  
Blogger ish said...

my advice: invest in mase (or a pocket kinfe if u trust yourself). (i've been known to carry both when i felt it was necessary).

Sat Jul 01, 08:11:00 pm  

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