Friday, October 20, 2006

I am way too old 4 this shit.

This is a longish one, steel urself.

I swear I had outgrown these sort of things!
This stuff shouldn’t be happening to me, it is not supposed to happen to me, I am a grown man now, grown men are not to be seen chasing a car tyre down the middle of Sir Apollo kaggwa Road at midnight in the rain! Really! What if The Red pepper had come by?


Remember how I mentioned mbu Galfrend, GF, was rather taken by evil Cousin Paul’s not entirely untrue displays of proper upbringing? Not entirely untrue because while dearly departed Aunt Christine, PBUH, did her damndest by that boy, that boy was a yeti handful to raise and then some. Kati GF wanted to go see movies at Paul’s crib – due in part to reasons such as u can eat real food whilst u indulge as opposed to Cineplex and also because we would not be in the way of her roomies, anti one must be considerate of others’ feelings (read that to mean the other couple was tired of being binned – await with bated breath the post on benching etiquette) – so to Paul’s crib we went. In reply to the obvious qn, my crib is far. And I don’t wanna share my woman with my 1.5 yr old nephew. Negro can find his own squeeze.

So we buy food in Wandegs – why does Romalo run outta fries at 7pm? Isn’t that a bit silly? Like a rolex seller with no chapattis? – go get a movie from Doctor’s Lib somewhere on Biashara street – don’t ask me why they call him Doctor, I asked and was told nada – then we go wait for Romalo to finish slicing and dicing their potats so that we can have our fries. Paul was being morose n GF wanted to know wssup and he sez mbu the next day was/is his ex-GF’s birthday! Mbu he was thinking of calling her up and stuff cause he was tired of being lonely … blah blah … while I suppressed the urge to explode in paroxysms of laughter, to my discomfort, GF starts cooing about poor Paulo and his broken heart and she wants to know why he broke up with her.

In my head I’m like screaming, “they did not break up! It’s another one of their silly love games!” see these guys got drama like that Spanish chick from Desperate Housewives (yes. I watched it. So what?) They have a fight, she walks off, he goes begging to Mukono Uni, they kiss and make up and instead of talking thru their shit they have mind blowing sex, until the next time when the tables are turned and he’s the one walking off and she’s begging … which is what was going on here. Poor Paulo indeed!

Anyway, GF brought along “Shall we Dance”, gr8 movie by the way, then we ate den I took out a movie, nay, film, called “Submerged” that I found somewhere that has Coolio in it and crashing planes and I’m getting all excited and … that was the worst movie I have seen all year. And I have the wounds to prove it, from all the barbs that the others threw at me.

Timecheck: 11:30 pm.
We gotta take GF back to Box before midnight, because he wants to stay behind and call his ex(!) at midnight, Paul offers me his car and wisely I decline – that car is the Antichrist I swear! If ever you’re near the gas station at the western entrance of the Game/Shoprite complex and u happen to notice a gash in the tarmac that starts near Kati Kati and ends at the gas station, wonder no more, that gash was the result of Paul’s car blowing a tyre at 3am many nights ago and him, in what I suppose is his love language 4 his car, driving it down to the gas station where it would be “safe”. The sparks display was to die for! My sisters won’t ride alone with him again because of that.

So we get in the car, drive up to Sir Apollo Kaggwa and 10 metres up the road, in the driving rain of last night, we all voice out loud the incontestable fact that we have a flat tyre. Again. Back up off the road infront of some dude’s gate and plan phase 2. The absence of a spare tyre being swiftly confirmed, I reluctantly extricate myself from the love boat in the back seat and climb out in the rain to join P in getting the tyre off. In the driving rain. Nga the bod bods jam to stop 4 us! I’m thinking, “fuck this shit”, know what I did? I kicked the tyre into motion and started a full fledged sprint down Sir Apollo Kaggwa Rd – to the gas station at the junction to Bwaise - like one of those village kids who stick a pair of sticks into a tyre and call it a car.

Damn it felt good.
Especially when cars were honking and veering out of the way.
Paul had, when I started running, followed instinctively – leaving GF all by her lonesome in the car – now he’s behind me reminding me how the mothers jammed to buy us BMX bikes - yeah Mum, a Hero is not a BMX - and this was our way of compensating for it. At the gas station we discover the extent of d damage, there’s a gash in the tyre so its no good. A bod bod ride to Eden Service Park in Bwaise confirms our worst fears, there are no tire fixers to be found at midnight. Then the bod bod wants 4k for riding past 11pm – damn u IGP Kaihura!

So we do a good cop, bad cop on him;
P: Otuyita kii, olowoza ssente tuzilonda ku miti?
Me: Wama ssebo, labba wanno, tugudde ku kizibu, omupila ogulaba …
P: Emottoka tujaziise ku mzee kati yiyo efudde, tunamugamba kii?
Me: Gufudde, kati tusasile, tetubadde na’sente nyingi …
P: Nawe bela muntu mulamu totuba kubanga olabye tuli mu kizibu! … mzee, tunamugamba kii emottoka ye? Tuli ba studenti tetukola!
Me: Okiliza taata?
Him: Kale, anti gwe oyogedde bulungi ka’ngendele awo
Me: Tuka bulungi ssebo.

Den he rode off
N – to the apparent amazement of the night owl a few feet away,
We fell upon each other in hyena laughs and backslaps of complicity. Ah, the simple pleasures.

Obviously there was no future in those parts of town so we grabbed a cab, drove back to pick up GF who’d wisely locked herself in the car and delivered her to Campus at 12:20am, the first time in her 3 years at Uni that she’s been back that late. Pause 4 thought, I should be seeing something here, shouldn’t I?

After trying a few more gas stations that couldn’t help us, we ended up at the City Tyre place at Gapco on Ben Kiwanuka Street, y’know, after the Old Park before the Shoprite. Paul promptly went to sleep leaning against the compressor and despite the ear splitting whine of the compressed air or whatever that noise was. Leaving me to yap with the bad breathed cabbie and the mechanic about things car-ish – feel me mein Herren? Man, that tyre was messed up some. But that mechanic was better. Dude fixed it up. Being a tubeless 130 (know how rare those are? Very rare. If u drive a Corolla AE100, I feel 4 u) he found an old tube with 3 holes which he patched up – random Discovery Channel fact :- tyre glue only works when its dry, u wait 4 it to dry then apply the patch aka kilaka – stuck a piece of tubing in the tyre to cover the gash and then put the tube in. man, I was in high heaven being in that workshop! It was riveting, the kaboozi and earthy wisdom flying around. Like when this Fuso truck rolled in that needed a tire fixed and the turnboy was being testy because the mechanics were not jumping to attention – twas 1:30 am today - you know what they told him?

“Kale, wekalakase!” i.e. fine dude, go on strike already! He swallowed a chill pill then.

Then guess who shows up? The “comedian” Amooti from the Amarula family. Him who didn’t bother with growing cornrows, he just shaved them into his head. After popping his bonnet, the idiot then proceeds to use his Cellphone as a torch! Milimetre from his engine. We point out to him that should it ring, he would have more to worry about than a few missing radiator rings – his analysis. Then quips the cabbie, “mwana, akamotoka ke katono naye kalina engine ya lorre!”

Ok, I’m getting tired retelling this story, dude I went to bed at 4am, suffice to say that the mechanics had all assured us we wouldn’t find the rest of the car tyres still intact. Mbu some sharp thugs woulda taken tham. Well, they didn’t. and when the cabbie wouldn’t stay with us to fix the tyre, P said it musta been cause the hommies he’d alerted to come get the tyres off the car in our absence let him down and he was rushing away to tell them off. I hear he was even preparing us emotionally by telling us not to expect to find the tyres there.

Paul called his “ex”. She was very happy to hear from him. As I speak they’re probably making up. If she didn’t bring along a whole bunch of her friends that is.


Blogger Iwaya said...

ah man, how i have missed these kinds of posts from you!!!! thank you so much for the now i have my weekend reading for real!

Fri Oct 20, 07:06:00 pm  
Blogger Darlkom said...

This is hilarious!!! Degstar, where have you been hiding?
Who has been to campus and doesn't know Doctor? I worked in that lib. for a hot second, met a million people.

Sat Oct 21, 08:25:00 am  
Blogger minty said...

Laughing. out. Loud. the whole time.

Sat Oct 21, 11:11:00 am  
Blogger Stwap said...

That's funny!!Am still laughing!!That was an indeed long day!!

Sat Oct 21, 01:15:00 pm  
Blogger joshi said...

GWE!!!i have never laughed so hard...u really have killed me..u reloaded this time!!

Sat Oct 21, 11:45:00 pm  
Blogger Kenyanchick said...

Degstar, I've missed you dude!
I think you could write a whole "Paul" series because this guy sounds insane. I need to read more...

Mon Oct 23, 11:34:00 am  
Blogger Pea said...

LOL... where has your blog been hiding? you're hilarious! joshi.. thanks for the link.. made my evening.

Tue Oct 24, 02:02:00 am  
Blogger Cherie said...

@Seriously ROTFL...Nice story!
That Doctor guy opened up his own lib...left KAK ages ago. He's my tyt!

Tue Oct 24, 11:28:00 am  
Blogger Iwaya said...

fingers crossed to near cracking point that this is going to be an ongoing series!

Tue Oct 24, 09:17:00 pm  
Blogger Iwaya said...

fingers crossed to near cracking point that this is going to be an ongoing series!

Tue Oct 24, 09:18:00 pm  

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