Thursday, February 01, 2007

Phat Galz

A few nights ago I saw the movie “Phat Girlz”, the one with Mo’nique and … a whole bunch of unknown people trying too hard to be funny. When I go to the library, any library, my criteria for borrowing a movie is quite simple and runs along the following lines;

1. Does it have black people in it? Good, I’ll take it
2. Are the said black people the Wayans Brothers? Keep your flick
3. ok I’ll take anything that has Laurence Fishburne, Samuel L. Jackson, Will Smith, Richard Roundtree, Djimon Hounsou, and absolutely Terence Howard
4. it must have lots of car chases, gunfights, explosions, computer wizardry and shit
5. Absolutely no Billy Blanks! I’m kidding, who even stocks Billy Blanks movies?

So you must understand then that “Phat Girlz” was a bit out of my league but I just wanted to placate Esther who runs the Movieland library (product placement for you). Man, this movie was; “£$^&*())*&^^%%$%$££””””. I watched it with the subtitles on, I do that to American movies because they all got such messed up accents, Why cant they all speak like Hugh Grant?

First of all, all the songs they had in the soundtrack that came from Mother Africa were simply subtitled “African music”. So they played some Femi Kuti and labelled it “man playing African Music”, played some Etta James and labelled it appropriately (by the way her version of “At Last” is what Poppet and I will dance to at the wedding reception, like our first dance together and shit), then guess what, they play 2Face Idibia’s African Queen and guess what they label it? Yep, “African Music!” bloody idiots the lot of them, no wonder their ancestors got carried off into slavery while the rest of our Jajjas were running off into the hinterland. Stupid begets stupid.

If I’m coming to your church to visit because you’ve asked me to, or just because its convenient on that day, I’ll bother to learn your bu-customs and shit so I know when to stand up, sit down, kneel, genuflect, raise holy hands, bow towards Israel/Mecca/the Sun. its called respect for your hosts and shows that your Mummy taught you empiisa. Then you go and get some of the better known African musicians, put them in your movie and just call it “African Music!” How dumb is that? That’s like a Bushism right there. Even a petrohead movie like “Torque” got the song lyrics and singers right and it must be said, apart from a lotta good looking bikes and stunts, there really aint much else to Torque; but here’s a sobering thought, I saw Torque 2.5 times and Phat Girlz once. And that was more than enough.

And not to mention that when the Nigerians spoke in their native Yoruba or Ibo or Fulani or Hausa or whatever, it was labelled “African Language!” katonda wange, are y’all so doggone ignorant y’all don’t know Nigeria alone got like, I dunno, at least 100 tribes and equal number of dialects? I mean African Language!? WTF is that? If they’d been speaking Swahili, maybe, but they were not. African language my ass, get on back with your country ass to Montgomery, AL and pick some more cotton if you too goddamn lazy to find out from, oh I dunno, the Library of Congress what language your characters were gonna speak. Oh just ask your Nigerian expert on the movie, you did have one; that I know coz there had to be someone to teach y’all how to eat fufu and dance the Money Dance and speak with weird mbu Nigerian accents. Negro please.

2ndly, why is it that whenever Mo’nique’s character was getting all dressed up for dinner or the club, she always did this hair-pulled-up-into-a-bob on the top of her head hairstyle? Like seriously girlfriend, you look better with your hair let down. Assuming of course that all those curls and ringlets were your own and not from some chick in South Korea.

Now, what I really wanted to say is this; I feel for plus sized people living in the US of A, getting treated like you some kinda freak, seriously y’all should come on down here every winter so I could give y’all love like your beautiful regal selves should be loved. Down here in sunny ol’Africa we love us some women with meat on their bones so whether you’re a thick madame, phat girl, chunky, porky, bacon buster, plus sized, whatever, girl, you are exquisitely and flawlessly formed. And if you are more Halle Berry than Mo’nique, don’t worry, a little time and money will sort you out; behold the phenomenon known as Straka nee Pamela Otali!

But seriously, if you’re the way you are and it’s not due to inappropriate nutritional habits – and u got issues with it, wssup with that? If you don’t love yourself, Child, no one else gon do that, apart from your Mum – scant comfort when you cant remember the last time you got you some. I used to want to be bigger and beefier – I may be of Rwandese extraction but I’d rather not look like I am - but all I kept getting was a potbelly. I’ve made my peace with it and so should you. Once again, me, I like a woman built for comfort not for speed.

Listening to & Watching; Ainunu by Gen. Elly Tumwine.

Pause, breath to 10 boy… Wusaah!!!


Afande, stick to soldiering and making Afrocentric clothing!


Blogger joshi said...

absolute firsties!!

dude where have u been?man u have this disappearing act where u like disappear and re-appear with like 3 simulposts!!

whenever i see mo'nique..i ask toilet seats come in sizes???

Gen Tumwine is quite fit..did u see how he was doin 'apart-together' effortlessly!! and here i used to think..bambi Gen is ka-humble yet kumbe dude has energy!!

Fri Feb 02, 01:13:00 am  
Blogger minty said...

Right on the pulse.

Kati, tuyambe and correct that thing about Straka; she's Pamela Otti not Otali; the other name belongs to a Weekly Observer writer

Mon Feb 05, 01:48:00 pm  
Anonymous degstar said...

Thank u Minty, much obliged

Tue Feb 13, 09:08:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

does anyone know the artist and name of the 'money dance'

Mon Mar 17, 10:23:00 pm  

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