Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Paging All Men

I am not a crackhead, I’m just very crack-ish.

I would like every member of the Homo sapiens race who does susu – in an arched semi circle - whilst standing on two legs to lend me a hand here (Ivan, I believe my description is ambiguous enough to include you, no?).

What are the 10 things that, in a perfect world – perish the thought, but could you just imagine? – You would want to tell your wife/girlfriend/girlfriend’s mum/sister/friend/the chick from the Bukedde editorial team (Baz?)/the bu nice waitresses at Cheese bar/22 year old chicks driving $60,000 M-class Mercedes SUVs/Angella Katatumba/Juliana/Iryn/Barbara Yata/the chick who reads the 9am news on WBS (again, Baz?)/your boss’ wife/sister/secretary/the blogger chicks who are dying with anonymous stalkers/the worship leader in the church that she makes you go to/ur boss (Ivan)/the Kenyan chick u secretly have a hard on (women call it a crush) for (that would be me, for Suzanna Owiyo/Awiyo/Awilo…KC, some help plz?)/Aisha from KFM/Crystal from Sanyu FM/one of the Hot 100 FM gals…

What gems of masculine insight and galaxy realigning nuggets of wisdom would you bring worth if you could, not under the influence of one Tusker too many – is that possible? – and with nary a thought as to the immediate cataclysmic repercussions of said honesty; what would you say?

Here’s one thing I would say;
1. If you want me to hold you and cuddle you and rub your feet and shit, when its like “us time”, don’t be slapping my hand away and telling me to get God when I wanna take it to 2nd base. Get this, either we’re playing baseball or we’re not, don’t be getting all cosy with the batter’s bat if you aint gonna be handling what the pitcher’s gonna throw at you. Change your love language if you ain’t ready for all or nothing.

Nah, that wasn’t brutal enough, I would say;
1. I don’t care if you’re running for Guild President/Employee of the month/Bank teller of the quarter/Choir girl of the Easter Production/Mayor whatever, when I’m walking with you, forget the kissing babies, glad handing peeps & “hi Barbara” across the street, that chick didn’t remember u love, let it go, don’t be broadcasting “us” to every third person, cant you see they cant be bothered to be happy for you? Us? They got their own issues already.

Still not quite hitting the spot! Maybe;
1. No I don’t want to go your friends’ birthday party with you; I’d rather say home and read last Sunday’s papers. Go show them the picture of us you carry in your wallet, the one you made us take.

Nothing new there. How about;
1. I will never be “down” with your best friend’s boyfriend. Ever. We will say “hey” to each other and that will be it. I will not invite him to hang out with my boys and I. LOL!

Oh, I’m hopeless at this, maybe I should say;
1. Look, if I wanted to have the light falling just so on my bed through the window, I would move it over there and not have it over here, ok? Take a chill pill already and leave my bed alone! Besides my ex likes it this way for when she comes over…

I can’t do this, I haven’t the ruthlessness to do this but the guy who wrote the male remix to Beyonće’s Irreplaceable, now that’s a guy with brass ones, big round brass inkpots.
Men, over to you.

3 Comments:

Blogger Lovely Amphibian said...

dude, you are wasted

Thu Mar 29, 06:25:00 pm  
Blogger Jasmine said...

you know love if you went out and got some, she would be clueless. you wouldn't need to keep it all inside.
after all is said and done, celibacy isn't your path. let it loose. lol.

Wed May 02, 10:58:00 am  
Blogger smelling the coffee said...

you shoulda jus said it all.

we aren't so delicate we can't take the truth. yah it sounds nasty but it's oh so liberating!

Fri Jul 13, 08:31:00 pm  

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